This weekend utterly sucked.
Long story short, my parents got into a major fights that included lots of yelling, screaming, and door slamming. Saturday night ended with my Dad dramatically waltzing out of the house, slamming the garage door shut, and driving off to his stupid friends house. I had to comfort my poor shaking mother while my Dad was out drinking a beer with his no good friend and watching an ASU football game. Bastard. (excuse my language but I am so sick of him.)
I had to text him for my mom who was so shaken that she could barely function that he had to stay at a hotel because his behavior was not acceptable. Thank God he didn't put up a fight. The night was spent with me comforting my Mom and wondering why my Dad had to be such an inconsiderate douchbag. (against, sorry for the language.)
I don't even understand was the fight was about. Basically, my Dad was upset with my Mom because she wasn't overly enthusiastic about watching the ASU football game with him. Seriously?! SHE NEVER LIKED FOOTBALL AND HE KNOWS IT. He then proceeded to rehash old things he says in every fight such as: You don't cook enough, you don't spend enough time with me, you don't have enough fun, etc...
She has cooked for him so much before and he never ate it, and it was perfectly fine.
Then he had the nerve to bring me into it. "You don't feed our daughter properly, she should be eating blah blah blah for breakfast... etc." All of what he was saying was untrue and made no sense, which means that he was just feeling defensive for no reason and felt like picking a fight. He was just a little boy throwing a temper tantrum. It's embarrassing when your 49 year old dad is less mature that his 14 year old daughter.
I feel so sick of him. It almost seemed like they were going to get a divorce, and I found myself hoping they would. Isn't that awful? I was hoping that we could erase my dad out of our lives.
Today, Sunday, Dad went to a football game before he came home. I can't believe he even had the nerve.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
He is my Dad and I love him, but I really hate him. Sigh.
He came home and said sorry to me and my mom, but I don't think I will ever be able to accept it. Dinner was awkward, everyone was silent. My Dad knew what he did was incredibly wrong, and he admits it every time something like this happens, but I am tired of dealing with the little boy with the temper tantrums.
By the time everyone was done eating, we just sat in complete silence, staring at the table. I don;t remember how long it was, but it felt like forever. The whole time, there was this voice inside my head saying,"Move along little human. Come on. Stop pondering over how sad things are right now. Stop pondering about how sad it is that you don't have a dependable father. Come on. Move your plate. Clear your dishes. Say goodnight. Go to bed. Cry, little human. Cry,"
My subconscious isn't helping me get through this.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Bittersweet Birthday
This post was made 10/24/14
I miss writing so much. I need to make blog posts more often.
Yesterday was my 14th birthday (10/23/14). It was a very bittersweet day. It was great but also very depressing. Why on earth is any birthday depressing, you ask? Last year, on October 23, 2013, my 13th birthday, my grandfather died a few hours before I was born, on October 23, 2000.
Not a pleasant thought.
I don't understand why it upsets me. It almost makes me angry, in a way. I don't want to sound like a total selfish jerk, but I feel angry at my grandfather for dying on that day. Seriously. I cringed just writing that sentence, but it's the truth. Many people keep on saying that it was him sending me a message that he loves me, but seriously? Someone purposefully dying on a persons birthday as an act of love? Makes no sense to me. If you are going to die, die on the day when you feel like it, not on your granddaughters birthday.
He probably didn't purposefully die on my birthday, but that's just how it feels. Out of all days, you choose that one. So yeah, last years birthday utterly sucked. My whole entire family was crying on my birthday, trying not to cry in my presence so I wouldn't feel hurt that all we were doing was mourning rather than celebrating. The best feeling I got on that birthday was when I finally got to collapse into my bed and become completely oblivious to the outside world and everything in it, especially my grandfathers death.
So of course, this year, my mom was crying on my birthday. I don't want her to bottle it up, but then why didn't she cry the days before? I feel awful for sounding like a selfish child, but I cannot help feeling this way.
Hopefully next years birthday is better.
Love you all,
Bojo
I miss writing so much. I need to make blog posts more often.
Yesterday was my 14th birthday (10/23/14). It was a very bittersweet day. It was great but also very depressing. Why on earth is any birthday depressing, you ask? Last year, on October 23, 2013, my 13th birthday, my grandfather died a few hours before I was born, on October 23, 2000.
Not a pleasant thought.
I don't understand why it upsets me. It almost makes me angry, in a way. I don't want to sound like a total selfish jerk, but I feel angry at my grandfather for dying on that day. Seriously. I cringed just writing that sentence, but it's the truth. Many people keep on saying that it was him sending me a message that he loves me, but seriously? Someone purposefully dying on a persons birthday as an act of love? Makes no sense to me. If you are going to die, die on the day when you feel like it, not on your granddaughters birthday.
He probably didn't purposefully die on my birthday, but that's just how it feels. Out of all days, you choose that one. So yeah, last years birthday utterly sucked. My whole entire family was crying on my birthday, trying not to cry in my presence so I wouldn't feel hurt that all we were doing was mourning rather than celebrating. The best feeling I got on that birthday was when I finally got to collapse into my bed and become completely oblivious to the outside world and everything in it, especially my grandfathers death.
So of course, this year, my mom was crying on my birthday. I don't want her to bottle it up, but then why didn't she cry the days before? I feel awful for sounding like a selfish child, but I cannot help feeling this way.
Hopefully next years birthday is better.
Love you all,
Bojo
Friday, October 24, 2014
SCREAMING
*This post was made on 10/1/14 (I think) and published 10/24/14
So, I might be panicking. And I am not entirely sure why, but I don't feel like it's a bad thing.
Let me just run my week down for you.
Monday was a wiz of alarm clock smacking and hair fussing, Tuesday was a long stretch of numbness and boredom, and then there's today. Wednesday. The weirdest, most fantastic Wednesday so far. Why is this Wednesday so fantastic? WHERE DO I BEGIN?
Birthday invitations, Wizard teacher, Book club friends, announcement of a musical, and an explosion of OH MY GOD WHAT.
Birthday invitations- Some random girl who doesn't even know my name invited me to her birthday party. Apparently her parents were allowing her to invite 175 people to her party (weird, right?) and out of all 175 people for her to invite, I became one of them. Why am I so happy about this? No clue, I'm probably not going to go because I don't even know her, but still. It started my day off right.
Wizard teacher- Picture this: You walk into your first class of the day, English. Sigh, least favorite class. Suddenly your teacher is buzzing around the room, filling the air with the most ecstatic and wonderful feeling in the world. She is teaching about main and helping verbs, boring, right? NOPE. She just randomly bursts out with OMG'S and SMH'S and wonderful Latin phrases and she is just the most wonderful, most alive person in the room, and there is something about it that is purely amazing. Keep in mind, this woman is well into her late 50's, maybe even here early 60's, and she always finds this strange but exciting way to fill the room with this bright feeling, and she makes the morning bearable.
Book club friends- I have recently become great friends with some girls and this one boy at my school. Their fake names will be cupcake, skittles, and starburst, because those are the nicknames they chose for themselves a few days ago. My nickname is snicker. I call us the sugar sweeties. Anyways, at lunch today, cupcake announced that she thinks we should start our own private book club. We all agreed, and when we went to the library after lunch we each got the first hunger games book. Over this next week we are going to try and finish it and then discuss it with each other. I simply cannot wait. My mom even proposed to hold a library club after school! (she is the librarian so she can help with clubs). Gosh, I love my friends.
Musical announcement- Every year my school holds a musical. They always make us guess which one until the day before the break, although I got a tip from a friend. He said it was Wizard of Oz because he did some research from the clues our drama teacher gave us. He was right! I was so pumped, and a couple people have told be that I should be the Wicked Witch of the West, which I am so up for. I hope I get the part, I think it will be so much fun!
THE AWAITED EXPLOSION OF OH MY GOD WHAT- This was the highlight of my day. I swear I don't even know what happened, I am still in shock. Lemme just take this slow and try to sort out what happened.
After school every Wednesday a math club is held in the computer lab, which is attached to the library, which is where my mom works, so I sit at her desk after school until we go home. All these people from math club are coming in, and my friend SM (not her real name) stops by to give me a hug and chat. As we are chatting, this boy, who I guess she is friends with, stops at the desk and is kind of looking me over, I guess you could say. He didn't look like a junior higher, so I kind of assumed that he was in sixth grade. Out of no where he just says,"Is this your friend?" Sammy just nods kind of confused, like no duh why else would I be chatting with her. Then he goes,"Well, she's really pretty. I mean, prettier than most girls." AND THEN HE JUST WALKS AWAY. AND ME AND SAMMY ARE SITTING THERE HAVING A SEIZURE.
I am not even kidding. Her face is buried in a book shelf, and I am practically hiding in my folder among my math papers. Her and I are both squealing like little teenage fan girls, and I swear I was so shocked. Then she pats me on the shoulder and walks away, and I'm just sitting there with my mouth wide open and I cannot believe I haven't started hyperventilating yet. A boy has NEVER, let me repeat NEVER said anything like that to me. The closest I have ever gotten to a complement like that was some random guy telling me I seemed really smart.
Then after the club is over he stops by the desk and says,"What's your name?" And I'm thinking oh crap oh crap what he wants my name what is my name hOW DO I NOT REMEMBER MY OWN NAME WHAT and I just kind of blurted it out, he repeated it, smiled at me and left.
I'm still in complete and utter shock.
So, I might be panicking. And I am not entirely sure why, but I don't feel like it's a bad thing.
Let me just run my week down for you.
Monday was a wiz of alarm clock smacking and hair fussing, Tuesday was a long stretch of numbness and boredom, and then there's today. Wednesday. The weirdest, most fantastic Wednesday so far. Why is this Wednesday so fantastic? WHERE DO I BEGIN?
Birthday invitations, Wizard teacher, Book club friends, announcement of a musical, and an explosion of OH MY GOD WHAT.
Birthday invitations- Some random girl who doesn't even know my name invited me to her birthday party. Apparently her parents were allowing her to invite 175 people to her party (weird, right?) and out of all 175 people for her to invite, I became one of them. Why am I so happy about this? No clue, I'm probably not going to go because I don't even know her, but still. It started my day off right.
Wizard teacher- Picture this: You walk into your first class of the day, English. Sigh, least favorite class. Suddenly your teacher is buzzing around the room, filling the air with the most ecstatic and wonderful feeling in the world. She is teaching about main and helping verbs, boring, right? NOPE. She just randomly bursts out with OMG'S and SMH'S and wonderful Latin phrases and she is just the most wonderful, most alive person in the room, and there is something about it that is purely amazing. Keep in mind, this woman is well into her late 50's, maybe even here early 60's, and she always finds this strange but exciting way to fill the room with this bright feeling, and she makes the morning bearable.
Book club friends- I have recently become great friends with some girls and this one boy at my school. Their fake names will be cupcake, skittles, and starburst, because those are the nicknames they chose for themselves a few days ago. My nickname is snicker. I call us the sugar sweeties. Anyways, at lunch today, cupcake announced that she thinks we should start our own private book club. We all agreed, and when we went to the library after lunch we each got the first hunger games book. Over this next week we are going to try and finish it and then discuss it with each other. I simply cannot wait. My mom even proposed to hold a library club after school! (she is the librarian so she can help with clubs). Gosh, I love my friends.
Musical announcement- Every year my school holds a musical. They always make us guess which one until the day before the break, although I got a tip from a friend. He said it was Wizard of Oz because he did some research from the clues our drama teacher gave us. He was right! I was so pumped, and a couple people have told be that I should be the Wicked Witch of the West, which I am so up for. I hope I get the part, I think it will be so much fun!
THE AWAITED EXPLOSION OF OH MY GOD WHAT- This was the highlight of my day. I swear I don't even know what happened, I am still in shock. Lemme just take this slow and try to sort out what happened.
After school every Wednesday a math club is held in the computer lab, which is attached to the library, which is where my mom works, so I sit at her desk after school until we go home. All these people from math club are coming in, and my friend SM (not her real name) stops by to give me a hug and chat. As we are chatting, this boy, who I guess she is friends with, stops at the desk and is kind of looking me over, I guess you could say. He didn't look like a junior higher, so I kind of assumed that he was in sixth grade. Out of no where he just says,"Is this your friend?" Sammy just nods kind of confused, like no duh why else would I be chatting with her. Then he goes,"Well, she's really pretty. I mean, prettier than most girls." AND THEN HE JUST WALKS AWAY. AND ME AND SAMMY ARE SITTING THERE HAVING A SEIZURE.
I am not even kidding. Her face is buried in a book shelf, and I am practically hiding in my folder among my math papers. Her and I are both squealing like little teenage fan girls, and I swear I was so shocked. Then she pats me on the shoulder and walks away, and I'm just sitting there with my mouth wide open and I cannot believe I haven't started hyperventilating yet. A boy has NEVER, let me repeat NEVER said anything like that to me. The closest I have ever gotten to a complement like that was some random guy telling me I seemed really smart.
Then after the club is over he stops by the desk and says,"What's your name?" And I'm thinking oh crap oh crap what he wants my name what is my name hOW DO I NOT REMEMBER MY OWN NAME WHAT and I just kind of blurted it out, he repeated it, smiled at me and left.
I'm still in complete and utter shock.
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