All I have been doing this summer is sitting in my room, in my own little world. And I don't really mind it. At least, I don't think I do...
It's just so quiet and peaceful yet crazy, ya-know? Silently crazy, that's my little world. I guess you could say I am an introvert. Wait, I wonder how introvert I am- I wonder if there is an introvert test. I'm gonna go Google it real quick...
-one Google search and a test later-
Apparently I am a 27/100 on the social scale (meaning I am a huge introvert). Wonderful... I mean, I guess it isn't really that bad of a thing. I don't know. Blah. I'm more introverted that I thought. It's a blessing and a curse, I suppose. Wish that more of the people I knew were like that, then maybe I would have more friends.
I feel like writing/complaining about this certain thing, so lemme just do that real quick so I can get it out of my system.
When I was in sixth grade, I became friends with people who didn't make me feel happy about myself. At the beginning the friendship was great, but it started to spiral out of control in the end. Or at least, I was spiraling out of control. It's hard to explain.
One of those friends, I'll call her Kay, really hurt me. It wasn't intentional, she didn't even know that she hurt me. Kay was always full of drama, just constantly finding something to blow up or make a huge deal out of. There were times when she just acted silly and stupid, and it frustrated me. I knew she had a broken family at home, so I couldn't exactly blame her, I guess. Sometimes she acted as if she was supposed to be living in a fantasy world, so she wouldn't take things seriously and get upset when, because of her not taking things seriously, things got messed up. Like, one time there was this dance at our school and she brought money. She put it in her shoe and then she lost it, which didn't surprise me. When she realized she lost it, she started freaking out, saying that her mom was going to kill her. And then when I tried to help her, she would just get pissed off. It was so frustrating, she would come to me like she wanted my help and my comfort, and then when I tried to do that, she would just push me away and snap at me.
Then one day she cut herself with a pencil on purpose. I knew she was somewhat depressed, but not this depressed. It was the way I found out about her cutting herself which really agitated me. She randomly came up to me the morning after she cut herself at school, shoved her arm in front of me, and with a happy smile on and a silly voice, she told me that she had purposefully cut herself with a pencil in science class. It angered me because I was dealing with allot of depression myself, and I took it seriously, not something to joke about. It felt like it was all a joke to her. For the following days to come, Kay kept on complaining about how she might get led poisoning, and that she is probably going to die, and it was just like; why did you cut yourself with a pencil and then complain about it for the rest of the week? You did this to yourself intentionally, and now your complaining. Yes, I understand that you could get led poisoning, and that you want someone to feel bad for you and pout over you, and yes, I would have done that for you if you would have stopped pushing me away, and make my depression feel like a joke.
The fact that I was dealing with my own personal problems didn't help either, causing me to be less compassionate towards others. On the inside, I was a tornado, spiraling out of control. It was a mix of hating myself for who I was, even though there was nothing wrong with me, having no self confidence, and just wanting to know who I was. I never fit in with any group really. I tried to place myself with this group of girls that Kay had introduced me to at the beginning of the year. They were all kind of introverted, nice, and almost all of them loved anime. I couldn't fit in with them either. All they would talk about was anime, and truthfully, I never really liked it. Then I watched the movie, The Avengers, and I was hooked. For some reason I could connect with the characters. I then talked about it at school, and allot of the girls got mad at me for talking about it. Even Kay. For some reason, I thought Kay was going to back me up about it, but she didn't. Two of the girls weren't really into anime, so they didn't get mad at me. They were the only people I really felt comfortable with for the rest of the year. But still, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I was trying to force myself to fit in, which wasn't fun at all. Sixth grade was the worst year of my life.
Finally, summer came. I sent Kay a message, telling her that I didn't feel our friendship working out. I was hurting, and I wasn't entirely sure why. Trying to fix another person who was hurting and spiraling out of control wasn't going to work for me. She was sad about it, but I cut off all connections so we couldn't ever talk again. It would only be tearing open a wound which was trying to heal. Thankfully, I switched to a better school before seventh grade started, which really helped. I was actually accepted there. I haven't talked to anyone from sixth grade since, and I seem to be doing better. I still feel depressed and alone, but not as bad as before. I have accepted myself for who I am, and I am not trying to fit in anywhere. Everyone at my new school really love me it seems, so it's not like I need to try to fit in anyways. They love that I am obsessed with the Avengers and Dr. Who and they don't get angry when I talked about either of those things.
Thank you for letting me get that out, I really needed it.
Love you all,
Bojo
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