My own little introverted world.

All I have been doing this summer is sitting in my room, in my own little world. And I don't really mind it. At least, I don't think I do...

It's just so quiet and peaceful yet crazy, ya-know? Silently crazy, that's my little world. I guess you could say I am an introvert. Wait, I wonder how introvert I am- I wonder if there is an introvert test. I'm gonna go Google it real quick...

-one Google search and a test later-

Apparently I am a 27/100 on the social scale (meaning I am a huge introvert). Wonderful... I mean, I guess it isn't really that bad of a thing. I don't know. Blah. I'm more introverted that I thought. It's a blessing and a curse, I suppose. Wish that more of the people I knew were like that, then maybe I would have more friends.

I feel like writing/complaining about this certain thing, so lemme just do that real quick so I can get it out of my system.

When I was in sixth grade, I became friends with people who didn't make me feel happy about myself. At the beginning the friendship was great, but it started to spiral out of control in the end. Or at least, I was spiraling out of control. It's hard to explain.

One of those friends, I'll call her Kay, really hurt me. It wasn't intentional, she didn't even know that she hurt me. Kay was always full of drama, just constantly finding something to blow up or make a huge deal out of. There were times when she just acted silly and stupid, and it frustrated me. I knew she had a broken family at home, so I couldn't exactly blame her, I guess. Sometimes she acted as if she was supposed to be living in a fantasy world, so she wouldn't take things seriously and get upset when, because of her not taking things seriously, things got messed up. Like, one time there was this dance at our school and she brought money. She put it in her shoe and then she lost it, which didn't surprise me. When she realized she lost it, she started freaking out, saying that her mom was going to kill her. And then when I tried to help her, she would just get pissed off. It was so frustrating, she would come to me like she wanted my help and my comfort, and then when I tried to do that, she would just push me away and snap at me.

Then one day she cut herself with a pencil on purpose. I knew she was somewhat depressed, but not this depressed. It was the way I found out about her cutting herself which really agitated me. She randomly came up to me the morning after she cut herself at school, shoved her arm in front of me, and with a happy smile on and a silly voice, she told me that she had purposefully cut herself with a pencil in science class. It angered me because I was dealing with allot of depression myself, and I took it seriously, not something to joke about. It felt like it was all a joke to her. For the following days to come, Kay kept on complaining about how she might get led poisoning, and that she is probably going to die, and it was just like; why did you cut yourself with a pencil and then complain about it for the rest of the week? You did this to yourself intentionally, and now your complaining. Yes, I understand that you could get led poisoning, and that you want someone to feel bad for you and pout over you, and yes, I would have done that for you if you would have stopped pushing me away, and make my depression feel like a joke.

The fact that I was dealing with my own personal problems didn't help either, causing me to be less compassionate towards others. On the inside, I was a tornado, spiraling out of control. It was a mix of hating myself for who I was, even though there was nothing wrong with me, having no self confidence, and just wanting to know who I was. I never fit in with any group really. I tried to place myself with this group of girls that Kay had introduced me to at the beginning of the year. They were all kind of introverted, nice, and almost all of them loved anime. I couldn't fit in with them either. All they would talk about was anime, and truthfully, I never really liked it. Then I watched the movie, The Avengers, and I was hooked. For some reason I could connect with the characters. I then talked about it at school, and allot of the girls got mad at me for talking about it. Even Kay. For some reason, I thought Kay was going to back me up about it, but she didn't. Two of the girls weren't really into anime, so they didn't get mad at me. They were the only people I really felt comfortable with for the rest of the year. But still, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I was trying to force myself to fit in, which wasn't fun at all. Sixth grade was the worst year of my life.

Finally, summer came. I sent Kay a message, telling her that I didn't feel our friendship working out. I was hurting, and I wasn't entirely sure why. Trying to fix another person who was hurting and spiraling out of control wasn't going to work for me. She was sad about it, but I cut off all connections so we couldn't ever talk again. It would only be tearing open a wound which was trying to heal. Thankfully, I switched to a better school before seventh grade started, which really helped. I was actually accepted there. I haven't talked to anyone from sixth grade since, and I seem to be doing better. I still feel depressed and alone, but not as bad as before. I have accepted myself for who I am, and I am not trying to fit in anywhere. Everyone at my new school really love me it seems, so it's not like I need to try to fit in anyways. They love that I am obsessed with the Avengers and Dr. Who and they don't get angry when I talked about either of those things.


Thank you for letting me get that out, I really needed it.

Love you all,
Bojo

4th of July, Dr. Who, and other things!

Heyo blogger people! I have stuff to talk about!

So, fourth of July was pretty awesome for me. My Dad wasn't home due to his odd work hours (maybe I will talk about that in another post) so it was just me and my mom. My mom are introverts, so we had planned on just picking up some hot dogs from a gas station and going to the parking lot near this stadium that was going to do a fireworks show.

We thought it was a great plan, but then we forgot that my mom cannot drive on a busy road at night. She has this problem with her eyes where she can't really tell how far away a some things are. She started having a panic attack and I felt so bad. At that point, we decided on just heading home and to chill out and watch Dr. Who, which I was perfectly fine with. Mom was really upset, though. She felt bad that she couldn't drive us to the stadium to see the fireworks, but it really didn't bother me at all. I kept on telling her but she didn't seem to get it; I didn't need to go to any big event to have a fun fourth of July, her and I just chilling out at home with ice cream and Dr. Who made me perfectly happy. Maybe someday she will understand.

But the evening didn't end like that.

As we were driving home, we noticed a ton of people parking in this empty lot in front of a church. Most of them were sitting on the tailgate of their trucks, some had lawn chairs out and sparklers. We realized that they were parking there so they see fireworks from our local ballpark. My mom quickly pulled over, getting us a spot at the front of the lot. It was so sweet of her to do that for me. We both got comfy in the car, setting up the little tin of ketchup on the dashboard so I could dip the hot dog in it while enjoying the perfect video of fireworks. It was the best fourth of July me and my mom ever had.

So that was the first thing I wanted to talk about, onto the second.

I have become very obsessed d with Dr. Who. If you don't know what Dr. Who is, is is a very popular BBC show. I suggest that you search for the newest trailer for Dr. Who, you might really like the show. You can skip this section because I will just be fangirling in this next paragraph.

So first of all, Captain Jack Harkness. So. Stinkin. Cute. I don't know what it is, but I just wanna pinch his cheeks. I am only on the second season of Dr. Who, so I don't really know that much about his character yet. I am still somewhat upset that they just ditched him in the first season near the finale episode, but I read on wiki that he comes back in the third (I think) season. Like, in the middle of it. Also, David Tennant is HILARIOUS. I just watched the episode where Clarissa (thats her name, right?) takes over his body, and she is all like, ooh you like him, I know it, I've been in your brain. So far, that has been my favorite part of the second season. I miss the ninth doctor, but I am starting to warm up to the tenth one so I should be okay. Oh, and my mom bought me the ninth/tenth doctors sonic screwdriver, so that should be in the mail in about five days... can't wait! The screwdriver writes in normal pen ink and UV pen in, lights up, makes fours different noises, and extends! I cannot wait to get it in the metal, I'll be sonic-ing (that's a word... 0-0) everything!

Few, okay. Doctor Who fangirl moment is over. Just had to get that out, thankya.

Summer is almost over :( I am kinda ready for school, but not really. I don't feel like dealing with the people, the schoolwork stress, the grades stress, the anxiety. Sigh. It's not like I have any options though. I can't believe I am going to be an 8th grader. It just happened so fast... I still feel like a seventh grader. I'm not ready. nononono. I can't be an 8th grader. eohfwiufehweiufh.

Sigh sigh sigh sigh. That is all I have been doing lately. Well, I think I'm gonna go. Talk to ya later, crazies.

xoxo
-Bojo

P.S. I have been thinking about changing my blogger name to my real name. Bojo just doesn't fit me anymore, it sounds like the nickname for some burly man.